Funny Jokes

Nutrition class teacher given home work to write 3 pages essay on milk. Next day all children bring the home work.
One boy written only one page. Then teacher asked him why he has written only one page.
The boy replied, “Teacher I have written about condensed milk.”

Teacher asked to the student: What is your father doing?
Student replied: “Furniture sale business.”
Then teacher asked again: “How is your father business going on?”
Student answered, “Very Well ! We have now only our bed at home.”

Ek sahebji ghabraye hue aaye aur biwi se bole: “Begam, aaj main office se aa raha tha ki raste mein ek gadha…!”
Itne mein unki bachhi bol uthi: “Mummy, Shyam ne meri gudiya tod di hai.” Pati ne phir kehna shuru kiya “Haan toh begam, main keh raha tha ki raste mein ek gadha…..!”
Itne mein unka ladka bola: “Mummy, Rita ne meri car tod di hai.”
Biwi ghusse mein aakar boli: “Bhagwan ke liye tum sab chup ho jao, mujhe pehle gadhe ki baat sun lene do..!”

Wife: “Aap ne pichle saal meri birthday pe mujhe lohay ka bed banwa ke diya tha, Iss dafa aapka kya iraada hai?”
Husband: “Iss saal uss mein current chorne ka iraada hai.”

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son – to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why? She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this. The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called,
Junior said “the number u are trying to call is not reachable”.

Teacher: Tum school kyun aate ho?
Student: Vidya ke liye sir!
Teacher: Phir tum class mein soo kyun rahe ho?
Student: Aaj Vidya nahi aayi hai isliye sir.

There were two brothers at aged 12 & 8. They were so naughty and always people comes with complain to their parents. Parents became very fed-up and they have taken them to the mental doctor.
Doctor firstly call 12 years boy and asked him “Tell me where is god?” The boy keep himsilence. Then doctor again with loud voice asked him “Tell me where is God?”.
The boy suddenly ran away and went to his home and hide himself in his cloth cupboard.
When another brother saw that he also ran away after him and reached to the home and asked “Brother what doctor asked you and why you ran away?” The elder brother said, “God is missing and everybody thinking that we did it”

Ek chota baccha bahut der se ghar ke bahar khada darwaje ki ghanti bajane ki kosish kar raha tha.Toh ek budha aadmi aaya aur kaha:
Budha aadmi: Kya kar rahe ho beta?
Baccha: Uncle, yeh ghanti bajana chahta hoon.
Budha aadmi (ghanti bajake): Yeh lo bajgaya, ab kya hai?
Baccha: Ab bhago!

Wife: Why do you wear your specs only when I come in.
Husband: The doctor has ordered me to wear my specs whenever I get an headache.

Interviewer: Do you think you can handle a variety of work?
Candidate: Yes I think so, I have worked in 10 different places in the last 3 months.

Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.
Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?
Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

My boss walked past my desk and asked me: “Why are you not working?”
I replied “Because I never saw you coming Sir”.

A man in a hotel: Waiter, there is a dead fly in my bean soup.
Waiter: Oh, the hot soup must have killed it sir.

Girl: Mom, today the teacher beat me for something that I didn’t do.
Mother: That’s very bad of your teacher. What was it that you didn’t do?
Girl: The homework.

Judge: The last time I saw you in the court, I told you that I never ever wanted you to come here again.
Accused: Thats what I told the police your honor, but they didn’t listen to me.

Kid1: Even the President himself sits with his head bowed in front of my dad.
Kid 2: Wow, what is your dad?
Kid 1: He is a barber.

Doctor: You are on a diet. So eat a single egg and half a cup of milk.
Patient: Before or after lunch doctor?

Who are the only people who listen to both sides during an argument between husband and wife?
The neighbours.

Student 1: I dont understand anything that my professor is teaching us.
Student 2: Thats somewhat better. My professor himself doesnt understand what he is teaching us.

Thief1: We forgot to count how much cash we stole.
Thief 2: Dont worry, we can find it out in the newspapers tomorrow.

Beggar: Actually I am an author. I wrote ‘100 ways to become rich’
Mr. Roger: Then why are you begging?
Beggar: This is one of the ways to become rich.

Mr. Anderson: I am very lucky. When I talk with my wife, she always bows her head.
Mr. Smith: Why?
Mr. Anderson: Because she is taller than me.

In a boxing match:
Coach: Why aren’t you blocking the punches?
Boxer: Can’t you see I am blocking all the punches with my face?

Two drunken men are talking.
Man 1: I am planning to buy the world.
Man 2: You can’t.
Man 1: Why?
Man 2: I am not going to sell it.

Oh no! What have you done! Those were antique cup sets. You broke them!!
Thanks God. I thought they were new.

Mary: June, do you know why the sky is so high?
June: Yes, Just imagine, if its not so high then what will happen to the birds? They will crash on the sky.

Waiter: Sir, my tips please.
Customer: Here you go, one cent.
Waiter: Sir, you are insulting me, please give me at least 2.
Customer: I can’t insult you twice.

Ron: If you do something wrong, why your father punish your brother?
Tim: We are twins.

Doctor: I have some bad news and worse news.
Patient: Whats is it doctor?
Doctor: The lab test results show that you have only 24 hours to live.
Patient: Oh my God!
Doctor: The worse news is that I was tried telling this to you yesterday but your cell phone was unreachable.

Doctor: Don’t worry your health is fine. You’ll live to be ninety.
Patient: But, doctor, I already ninety years old right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

Lady: Doctor, my husband is speaking in his sleep.
Doctor: Just allow him to speak to you during the day, he will become alright.

Question: “How to Kill an Ant??” Asked in an Exam for 10 Marks!!
Student: Mix Chilli Powder with Sugar, & keep It Outside the Ant’s Hole..!
After eating, Ant will Search for some Water near a Water tank.
Push ant in to it.. Now Ant will go to Dry itself Near Fire,
When it Reaches fire, Put a Bomb into the fire..!!
Then Admit Wounded Ant in ICU..!! =O
And Then Remove Oxygen Mask from it’s Mouth and Kill the Ant.. !!

Don’t Play with Students.. !!
They can Do any thing for 10 Marks..

A Beggar Found Rs. 100/- He Went To A 5 Star Hotel For Dinner Bill Rs. 3000/-
He was unable to pay!!! Manager Handed Him To Police!!!
He Gave Rs. 100/- To Policeman & Free!!!

Little Johnny : Mam,Will you punish me for something that I didn’t do??
Teacher : Not at all.
Little Johnny : That’s good. Actually, I didn’t do my homework!

Two Tigers were resting under a tree, Suddenly a RABBIT passed very fast
Tiger could not make out & asked “What was that?”
2nd Tiger smiled and said: Fast Food

Boy: Where Are You Going?
Girl: For Suicide..
Boy: Then, Why Soo Much Make-Up?
Girl: You Idiot..!! Tomorrow My Photo will Come In Newspaper.

A man meets an accident with his new Ferrari. Policemen arrives.
Man:- (cried) Officer! My brand new car!
Police replied:- You’re such materialistic. You even haven’t notice that your left arm has been cut off.
Man-: (He looks at his left arm and yells.) OMG! My Rolex watch!

Teacher fell asleep in class and a little naughty boy walked up to him,
Little boy: “Teacher are you sleeping in class?”
Teacher: “No I am not sleeping in class.”
Little boy: “What were you doing sir ?”
Teacher: “I was talking to God.”
The next day the naughty boy fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him.
Teacher: “young man, you are sleeping in my class.”
Little boy: “No not me sir, I am not sleeping.”
Angry teacher: “What were you doing.??”
Little boy: “I was talking to God.”
Angry teacher: “What did He say??”
Little boy: “God said He never spoke to you yesterday.

Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I meant to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.

Ek baar ek Totaa (Bole to Parrot) Ud raha tha full speed par.
Uske saamne achanak full speed mein ek Ferrari aa rahi thi, dono ki takkar hui…
Totaa behosh hoga ya, raste mein ek bhikari tha usne Totaa ko uthaya aur ghar le gaya.
ab Totaa ko hosh aaya, usne apne aap ko pinjare mein dekha.
Aur bola, “Aalia … JAIL …. Woh Ferrari ka driver mar gaya kya ??

A frog telephoned the psychic hot line and was told, “you are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you. The frog said, “That’s great! will I meet her at a party, or what?” “No,” said the psychic, “next term…in her biology class.”

A sher is getting married in jungle. There is a big bash and all animals are dancing to the tune of loud music being played.
Mere chote bhai ki shadi hai…Nachunga Nahin? Sher kabse aapka bhai hone laga? Shadi se pehle main bhi sher tha!”, replied chooha.

TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PAPPU: A teacher
Two Lovers plan to suicide.
Boy jumped first, Girl closed her eyes & return back saying, “love is blind”.
Boy in air opened his parachute saying, “love never dies”.

Sardarji photographer focusing a dead body’s face in a funeral function, suddenly all relatives beat him.
Why? He said: “Smile Please !”

One day a father called his 6 children together and asked, “Now tell me, who has been most obedient during last week and did everything mommy asked?” In one voice they all replied, “You, Daddy!”

Once a Sardar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so.
He Replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

Once three sardars decided to go on a picnic.
When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda.
So, the youngest sardar said he would go home and get the soda if the others promised not to eat the sandwiches until he got back.
An hour, a couple of hours, then all day went by. Both sardars were now very hungry.
Finally one of the sardars said: “Oh, come on, he is not going to be back. Let’s eat the sandwiches.”
Suddenly, the youngest sardar popped up from behind a rock and said: “If you do, I wont go.”

Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has clock tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.
Sardarji says “Yes”.
“Give me a thousand rupees and I’ll go get a ladder”. The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day, the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock,
Give me a thousand rupees and I’ll go get a ladder.The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says, “I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I’ll go get a ladder.”

Two Sardarjis, both student of I.I.T Kanpur were talking about the American Astronauts.
One said to the other, “What’s the big deal about going to the moon-anybody can go to the moon. We are Sardars we will go direct to the sun.”
But if we get within 13 million miles from the sun, we’ll melt.”
And the first answered, “So what, we’ll go at night.

Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with.
A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.
A month later he was back at the same dealer for another hundred chickens because the second lot had also died and then Santa realised “I think I know where I’m going wrong,” said Santa, “I think I’m planting them too deep.”

Ek raat bijli chali gayi,
Sardar: oye kam se kam fan to chalao.
Sardani: kar di na sardaron wali baat fan on karenge to candle bujh jayegi.

Hotel Management gave advertisement for a good cook to recruit. One cook has sent one application as follows :
“Dear Sir, I am a good cooker. If you appoint me, I am sure I will be able to cook you. When I was working earlier in a hotel I cooked them all.”

Friend1: Are yaar ye mobile to mujhe kangaal kar dega.
Friend2: Kyu?
Friend1: Baar baar dikhaata hai “Battery Low” ab tak 56 battery badal chuka hoon!

Once a girl was drinking coke. She suddenly discovered a fly in her drink and took it out from the coke.
The fly gave birth to a baby fly and died. The baby fly opened its eyes looked at the girl and said, “maaa!”.
The girl asked the baby fly,”main tumhari maa nahin hoon, phir tu mujhe kyon maa bulati hai?”
The fly replied, “kyon kye maine tumhari “Coke” se janam liya hai.”

Restaurant Manager: ‘ Why are you looking worried?’
Chef: ‘There are lot of ants in soup and other cooked food. I do not know what to do.’
Restaurant Manager: ‘ Don’t worry. I will announce that today we are having Chinese Food festival!’

A Girl to her boy friend
Chandni chand se hoti hai, sitaron se nahi
Chandni chand se hoti hai, sitaron se nahi
Mohabat ek se hoti hai, hazaron se nahi
A Boy to his girl friend
chandni agar chand se hogi, to sitaron ka kya hoga
chandni agar chand se hogi, to sitaron ka kya hoga
Mohabat agar ek se hogi hai, to hazaron ka kya hoga

There was a farmer who grew water mellons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his water mellon patch at night and eat his water mellons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read: ‘Warning! One of the water mellons in this field has been injected with cyanide.’
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer’s sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no water mellons are missing, but the sign next to his read: ‘Now there are two!!!’

Once a doctor went to a mental hospital. he was walking by a room and saw a guy holding his ear to the wall, so the doc went to that guy and pushed him aside and tried to listen so the doc put his ear against the wall and said i don’t hear anything. that guy slaped the doctor and said i’m listening to this wall for 20 years i don’t hear anything you just came and how the hell can you hear something.

A man walks into the bar really depressed.
The bartender asks him what his problem is.
“My dog just died and the damn vet charged me Rs 10,500.”
Says the bartender: “Wow, that is pretty high. What did the vet do?”
“Not much. I took the dog in there and told him, you got to help him Doc, this is the best dog I have ever had. The vet pokes at him for a few minutes and says, ‘I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do.’ I said ‘Come on doc, this is my best dog, there’s got to be something you can do.’ The vet says, ‘OK, we can try one more thing.’ He goes over to this cage and grabs this cat and brings it over to the dog and swings it around the dog’s head. The vet says, ‘sorry but he’s gone. That’ll be Rs 10,500.’ I said, ‘What! Rs 10,500 to declare the dog dead?” He says, ‘Yeah. Rs 500 for the office visit and Rs 10,000 for the CAT scan.”

Scene: A woman comes to Ajit for suggesting a name/s for her kids .
Woman: Sir , mein apne ladke ka naam kya rakhoon?
Ajit: Iskaa naam Peter rakh do!
Woman: Mera doosra ladkaa bhi hai , jo iskaa twin hai. Mein uskaa naam kya rakhoon?
Ajit: Uskaa naam Repeter rakh do!

Mike is causing trouble and Ajit and Robert are discussing it.
Robert: Bass !!! Mike humein jeene nahin dega !!
Ajit: Koi Baat Nahin, Robert, Usey CHAMPAGNE mein bhigo do, SHAME usey jeene nahin dega aur PAIN usey marney nahin dega… ha ha ha

Robert: Boss, is peter ke bacche ne hamare saath gaddari ki hai.
Ajit: Robert , usay revalving chair me bita dho, patha chal jayega ki ‘chakkar’ kya hai..

A Young couple moved into a new house. The wife was attractive but aloof. Being unable to hold out any longer, the eager neighbor once spotted her hanging her washing, and said ” Behenji, your cow has eaten up my marigolds.”
“That can’t be true,” protested the pretty neighbour. ” We don’t have a cow.”
” I don’t have marigolds either,” replied the smart aleck, “but I don’t like so much distance between neighbours.”

Young lady: “My husband is always telling me to go to hell. I would like to know if I could legally take my children with me.”